The Feytin’ Ape
Oldham, Greater Manchester 1980s
“Everybody thought it was just an organ grinder’s type of monkey, but as time went on the bugger grew and grew”
This folklore tale may take the title as one of the more amusing stories I’ve had the pleasure of reading, I sure hope you think the same. Possibly more rooted in fiction than fact (but what’s a little fiction between friends?!), but was one of those stories that echoed in every pub around Oldham in the 1980s. And I love a good drunken pub tale.
We’re going back to the cotton boom, a modern folklore tale compared to the others in the archive, in Oldham. The townsfolk made up a plethora of odd pastimes to waste the day. Forgotten over time, probably because people finally invested in television sets and radios, of these customs included clog fighting. ‘And what in the hell is clog fighting?’ I hear you all asking, well let me explain the rules.
Two renowned, world-champion (probably) clog fighters would enter a large open-ended barrel, plonk their bottoms onto the rim and kick the ever-living crap out of each other. Right in the shins. As a child, I have taken a scooter to the shin many times, I just know a clog to the shin hurts. They continue this until one of them relents - three submission will see you lose the clog fight.
What an excellent pastime! But what does this have to do with an ape? One particular pub in Oldham held weekly clog fighting competitions. The landlord of said pub once received a gift from his son who worked as a sailor... a monkey from one of his ocean-bound travels.
The monkey was immensely cute at first, a favourite of those visiting the pub. You know how some people buy a micropig expecting a life-long mini version of a pig as a companion? But oops, it is not a micropig and that sucker grows and grows into an actual normal pig? Yeah... This monkey grew, and grew, and grew. It became a monstrous creature too big to sit on the bar anymore...
It has been described as “a monstrous great ape covered in thick black hair and blessed with a face to shame the Devil”. The townsfolk protested, calling for the landlord to give up the creature to the closest zoo, but the landlord loved his horrible, ugly, giant beast like a son, and so kept him in the cellar.
“The ape stays” The Landlord said, “ he might be ugly as sin but, if it comes down to that the ape’s a sight better looking than three quarters of them that sup in ‘ere and, that includes the women”.
Absolutely roasted. But the ape became quite the spectacle, with people travelling from neighbouring towns just to see the ‘pint-pulling ape’. One day, a local market trader decided to feed the ape a bunch of bananas and plumbs that he failed to sell that day. This fated day, a very important clog fighting championship match was taking place between one-legged “Mad” Jack Maddik of Bolton and Sam “Shin Breaker” Smith from Glodwick - now that’s a match I’d pay to see.
The fruit, I might have to add, did not sell at the trader’s market due to it being rotten...
The monkey’s bowels were not happy, and I’ve been there as an IBS sufferer... when you gotta go, you gotta go. The ape tore into the yard, seeking a place to relieve his bowels, and stumbled upon the fight. The barrel in which the fighters were kicking was directly in front of the monkey’s toilet, the fighters leapt out of the barrel and tried to fight the monkey themselves. The huge, desperate ape cast the barrel to the side and absolutely flattened the two fighters with only a few blows.
The landlord sorted the patrons out, paid the fighting promoters for damages and waited for the ape to return to lay down the law. The townsfolk wanted this ape gone, locked up, killed, whatever it took. But the landlord did not see a nuisance monkey, he saw profit.
nd so a pair of clogs were measured and fitted especially for the monkey’s feet. The ape was trained meticulously in the art of barrel clog fighting. That ape remained an undefeated clog fighting champion for over twenty years, no one could defeat him and the landlord found tremendous wealth.
The Famous Feytin’ Ape was a spectacle to behold in Oldham. Unfortunately, after an illustrious career in clog fighting, the ape died of old age and was lovingly stuffed and displayed in the pub for years after. Until... One night a passing coach of rugby supporters from Wigan stopped into the pub to refuel and after their departure the landlord noticed the ape was missing.
Stories and rumours began, as they do, and most townsfolk were under the impression that one of the Wigan men drunkenly mistook the ape for a lady companion and eloped with him...it... Whether or not this is true, the monkey still remains missing. Some say that the ape can be seen in the darkness of night, the loud clatter of clog irons on stone flags reverberating around the town... Have you heard anything strange in Oldham?
Sources
https://www.mysteriousbritain.co.uk/folklore/the-feytin-ape/
https://www.northernsoul.me.uk/clog-fighting-oldham/
https://www.strangehistory.net/2010/07/19/purring-a-lancashire-martial-art/
